Funny Parenting Tweets - Toddler Edition 2.0

There's never a shortage of painfully funny tweets from parents of toddlers. Because, well... toddlers are just crazy! Enjoy this batch of great one-liners from America's original stand-up comedians: Parents!

If I had a dollar for every time my toddler left a high five hanging, I could buy a cyborg hand that gives high fives electronically.
— Lacey Noonan (@laceynoonan) March 14, 2016

When my #toddler is 15 I will wake him up at 3 in the morning to say "my sock fell off" — Mark Goodson (@ManInRecovery) March 5, 2016

So, today my toddler asked when baby brother was going back in mommy's tummy. #siblingrivalry #sigh
— Kelly Kautz (@kellykautz) March 5, 2016

And now my toddler is having and existential crisis arising directly from the discovery of her eyebrows — MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) March 12, 2016

I've spelled out B-A-T-H enough times that my toddler now knows exactly what I'm spelling. Sigh.
— JixiLou (@JixiLou) March 5, 2016

"Every man for himself!" I yell as my toddler makes a beeline for our new houseguest. I'll just be in the kitchen, drinking coffee by myself — Goodnight Sanity (@GoodnightSanity) March 5, 2016

I don’t like the Man I become when I answer Dora before my toddler does
— Funny Things (@FunnyPictures14) March 5, 2016

Half days at work are the best. I'm going to chase a toddler around a soft play area all afternoon. It's my toddler, by the way, for clarity — Taylor and Besty (@TaylorandBesty) March 9, 2016

My toddler & I have like "inside jokes". I love the way she looks at me in anticipation then laughs hysterically. I cherish these moments!☺️
— Renee McDowell (@ReneeMcDowell) March 5, 2016

I'm not sure which makes less sense - the conversation I'm currently having with my toddler or the conversation I'm having with my dogs. — Kate Krake (@katekrake) March 5, 2016

Just eat it, dude.
-things I say to my toddler at dinner time. — EmRose (@rose24_em) March 8, 2016

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else. One arm at a time. — Brad Broaddus (@BradBroaddus) March 8, 2016

baked biscuits, gave one to my toddler who threw it yelling "It's HOT FIRE" and I replied "stop droppin' rolls" --this has been a true story
— maura quint (@behindyourback) March 7, 2016

Can someone tell me how to remove the batteries from my toddler — David DeWeil (@daviddeweil) March 5, 2016

I set my toddler up w Daniel Tiger so I can dry my hair. I come back 5 mins later & Hot Tub Time Machine is playing. Time to hide remote
— Regan Carter (@Regan_Carter) March 5, 2016

Big ol bag of popcorn, but my toddler wants the ones that fell of the ground. #MomLife — Elle Decker (@ElleMNOP22) March 4, 2016

"Mommy, stop singing. Just stop." My toddler is doing wonders for my confidence. #MomLife #ToddlerLife
— Hillary Gilmore (@helloitshillary) March 5, 2016